Bad Place, Good Decision
by: Bad Boy Mike
When it comes to decisions, I have a smorgasbord of them in my past. All different kinds, styles, and flavors. Literally, it’s a pick & choose type of buffet. Some have been good, others great. Some look, smell, and taste absolutely atrocious, others are simply horrible; no need to engage any of your senses in coming to that determination or judgement either. And yes, there’s a lot of “poor judgement” ones mixed in there too. Well, that’s not true. I extremely dislike the words “poor judgement” because I actually do have pretty good judgement. Also, when people use those 2 words to define their actions it sounds like they’re preparing you to listen to an excuse they’ve concocted.
It boils down to the acceptance of consequences. That was a major malfunction of mine. I knew my decisions were poor, bad, atrocious, or whatever you want to label those types of destructive decision-making patterns as, I just didn’t care. If you’ve ever been a member of the “bad decision club” you understand that a total disregard for consequences as well as that “I don’t care” attitude are the only requirements for membership. If you become a lifelong member, any goals you have for yourself will eventually, slowly rot away.
There’s one fact about bad decisions that you can’t hide or mask either, the bad part starts to stink after a while. You either adjust to the stench and accept the fact that every part of you stinks too, or you relocate to a place that provides fresh air. A place for you to “air out” and cleanse yourself. Bad decisions and a good quality of life, they simply don’t go together. They can’t coexist in the same environment, one’s life, any clubhouse, or on any buffet table, period.
I can pinpoint the exact periods of time in my adult life when I was making the worst decisions I’ve ever made and the best ones. I’ve tried to force them to coexist within the life I was living for a long period of time; it doesn’t work, at all. More important than being able to admit that fact today, is the fact that I’m making many more good decisions versus bad ones on a consistent basis. A good quality of life is providing an environment for yourself where you can achieve your goals, learn, and make changes that are a benefit to yourself and others. Others being anyone you’re surrounded by and the loved ones in your life. My loved ones deserve nothing less from me than living the highest quality of life I possibly can while I’m incarcerated and after my release as well.
Again, it all boils down to consequences and what you’re willing to accept. One of the good ones I’ve made recently will allow me to continue to “Do the Work” in leaving my past behind me, where it belongs. I’ve been working extremely hard these past two and a half years to earn the credibility to even make that statement. I refuse to allow myself or anyone else to jeopardize the changes I’ve made and I’m not done working yet. I’ll always be working to prove myself. That part of putting “bad decisions” behind you is a life sentence.
It’s been worth it because I really like where I’m at in my life today. I mean that literally—in the physical sense— and metaphorically. The metaphorical part is because I’ve created a life worth living and I see clearly the value of what I want to live for. Consequences are very much a part of every decision I make today. It’s become second nature and I’m a much happier person for that fact. I’m not willing to accept anything that’s not in total support of me continuing to live the life I’ve chosen, period.
I do want to be around for my kids as long as I possibly can and in the healthiest capacity as I can possibly achieve, in all areas of my life. I’ve been laying the foundation to build “that” future on. I’m accomplishing my goals from inside this bad place, along with helping other prisoners create and accomplish theirs.
Doing that helps me too. There’s an accountability factor, because you must walk the walk that supports the talk. I’ve been able to learn and be honest with myself and others about the choices I’ve made in the past and avoid repeating them. These goals and consequences are a far cry from the ones involved with criminal activities, and/or not considering or weighing out the risk to reward ratio involved with every choice you make in your life.
Today, I have a solid understanding of the “why factor” involved in my choices—all choices. The ones that created that smorgasbord in the first place—the ones people use in their judgement of you—all the way up to the ones I have plans to make in the future. I credit that understanding to this “bad place” I’ve indirectly chosen to live in. Which ironically has turned out to have some positive results. Positive consequences, if you will. Although, it has come with a price—as do all decisions—but a price I must pay nonetheless.
Bad Place?
Yes, all prisons—no matter the type, location, or security level—are bad places. I’m going to breakdown the different security levels along with the level of freedoms they allow in order to provide you with a better understanding of how prisoners’ freedoms become affected by where they’re living. And yes, there are different levels of bad too.
In prison there’s 5 different levels of security that the system uses for housing prisoners. Those levels are determined using multiple factors based on of each individual prisoner’s conduct, cases, and threat level to the overall safety and security of the institution they’re housed at. Sometimes their associations with other prisoners, as well as their own personal safety will be factored in.
Using a general terminology and not specific definitions defined by the Department of Rehabilitation and Corrections, those level are:
Level 1 – Minimum Security
No cells, highest level of interaction with others prisoners and staff. This security level provides the most freedoms a prisoner can have while incarcerated. When you’re housed there, it feels like you’re living in a college (high school is more realistic) dormitory type of setting. The biggest difference being the amount of crime you’re surrounded by and the hourly fights. My conclusion is that most of those fights are engaged in to create an environment that allows the prisoners to “feel” like they’re still in prison. What’s prison without a couple of fights type of mentality.
Danger Factor – Usually 1st time offenders are sent here and they’re younger, gang affiliated, and want to make a name or reputation for themselves. This environment is a breeding ground for violence.
Those prisoners are usually sent up the security ladder to prisons that offer drastically less freedoms and opportunities to run wild. That is the goal of a “security move” anyway. The less freedoms part of that goal is achieved for sure, but the running wild part is questionable at best.
Unfortunately, prison will remain prison no matter how high the ladder climbs. Crazy doesn’t need much space or movement to exist in.
Everyone is establishing themselves within the prison system. Some people have different agendas and are willing to do different things. This is a volatile environment due to the fact that you never know what can pop off in an instant and by whom. That fact creates a stressful and intense atmosphere for unseasoned prisoners.
Level 2 – Medium Security
Same as level 1. Level 1 & 2 prisoners are housed together and tend to be serving shorter sentences. There’s older prisoners and guys serving life sentences housed there as well. A goal for lifers is to get to the lower security prisons and experience as much freedom as they possibly can for the rest of their lives.
There’s a couple of level 1 & 2 prisons that offer cells for some prisoners (usually older lifers) to be housed in. Those prisoners still have the freedom to come and go from their cells as they please, except for certain times of the day or night, like count times.
Level 3 – Close or Closed Security
I’m not really sure of the technical pronunciation or spelling of this level, but I’m absolutely certain in my ability to describe it. I’ve spent 7 years, 2 months, and 18 days housed at a security level 3, and I believe I’ve earned the credibility to share my description of it with you.
Remember, the “problematic” prisoners at the lower security levels are moved up the ladder until they’re no longer problematic. That is the goal anyway and you see I stressed the word goal. in reality, the higher the level of security, the higher the problem count will be as well. All prisons will always contain problems and there’ll always be problematic prisoners. That just comes with the nature of a prison’s existence by default.
Fact, problems will continue to exist at all prisons no matter the level of security or level of bad that’s housed within them. The prison’s goal is to not have those “problematic problems” affect their operations. There’s a certain level of accepted problems at every prison. When it comes to determining how problematic those problems are allowed to become, those factors vary among the different prisons and security levels.
I promise I’m not starting to write us down one of my famous bunny trails here, it’s just a lot to follow.
Prisons are forced to make similar choices when it comes to their decision-making processes as I chose to make with my own in the past. I’m referencing the consequences and the “I don’t care” attitude part. These prisons must adopt that “I don’t care” attitude at some level because they literally have to pick and choose what they care about and what they don’t. Prisons are overcrowded and the problems are overwhelming. They can’t realistically deal with all of them.
They’re willing to accept a certain level of consequences or problems as long as none of their staff is at risk of harm in any way and violence isn’t running rampant in the prison. That is, until they’re not. See, they don’t inform the prisoners when they’re done tolerating those certain “problems” that they’ve accepted in the past. I share this perspective with you because most problems within the prison system are housed at the level 3 prisons and these prisons are very similar to the stock market.
Yes, they’re repetitive and predictable, but those patterns have highs and lows within them. They’re always changing because prisons are volatile. They act and react to the events happening all around them. You must observe and then compartmentalize the changes happening within your environment into certain predictable patterns accounting for those highs and lows and adjust your investments within the fluctuations of those patterns. If you don’t, you’ll lose, period.
You have to know who and what’s going on around you at all times when determining what’s acceptable and what’s not. You need to place yourself upwind and down so you can sniff out anyone or thing starting to stink. In closing out this stock market analogy, all prisons stink—don’t ever invest in them.
If you’re a prisoner housed at a level 3 and you’ve had to “hustle” to provide for your basic needs, your hustle may be completely accepted one day and the next day you’re doing 30 days in the hole. It can be a difficult environment for anyone to adapt within because the rules seem to constantly change. The prison’s rules and the “convict code” as well. I’m not even going to attempt to go down that convict code bunny trail here.
It’s impossible for a prison to address every problem, that’s a fact. Again, it’s a lot and I’m looking forward to sharing how I’ve simplified all of this. Like I said earlier: “positive consequences.” Have you ever heard people say: “The game stays the same, but the rules are always changing.” Well, I’ve adopted my own saying just now and it goes like this: “Adapt to the rules because there’s no more time for games.” Life’s full of rules and to live it well you can’t treat it like a game. In order to gain and keep one’s freedom, an individual must care “on & at” all levels of life. And be willing to “Do the Work”™ of course.
Remember, it’s not the prisons job to care, rehabilitate, or to motivate anyone to make changes. It’s my job to change and care about me and all that I love in this world, period. I should never or ever have treated prison’s rules as a game played to pass time. It’s their job to keep the prison environment as safe and secure as possible.
As I stated earlier: “Sometimes you don’t realize it’s a bad decision until it starts to stink.” For prisons dealing with problems, when it starts to stink, they simply take out the garbage. As for me, I’ve had to come to a couple of realizations and make some changes in order to deal with my “stench.”
I do care. I’ve aired out and cleansed my decision-making process. I’ve invested in a positive, profitable waste management system. I’ll be going “public” and trading on the NYSE sooner than later. You don’t need to worry about how far or close we’ll be living to one and other, or whether you’re up or down wind from me. I no longer stink.
Time to get off this bunny trail and back on point. Writing is just like making changes in your life. You know you have to keep moving forward, but won’t unless you learn how to let go and commit to the transition. You’ll never finish a writing or make a change without implementing those 2 factors into your objective
At a level 3 prison you’re confined to your cell 18-19 hours a day “and” (yes, I’m stressing the word “and” and I just did it again) you’re sharing that 8×10 with another grown man. You hope to God that your “celly” doesn’t stink for so many different reasons—mainly the ones a shower won’t fix—or else, hello garbage truck!
Your 5-6 hours out of your cell involves day room time (roughly 3 hours broken up between morning and evening), 1-2 hours for recreation of some sort (outside is “the yard” and the inside rec area barely even measures up to a yard, so you’re cramped in there, shoulder to shoulder almost), and the prison counts moving to and from the good ole “chow hall” for meals as 1-1/2 hours out of your cell.
Danger Factor – Prisoners housed here have established themselves within the prison system and their names are known. They’ll defend what they’ve “put in the work” to create. Usually, that’s simply their reputations.
The stakes are raised and hourly fights are no longer an entertainment factor. Violence is used to make statements and everyone wants to be heard. Everything centers around certain activities and the seriousness factor is multiplied compared to lower security levels.
All movement to and from anywhere is controlled. That controlled movement along with the amount of time you spend in your cell (the one you’re sharing) are the 2 major differences a prisoner who’s moving up the security ladder will find.
There is so many more differences, but I like bunny trails a lot, and I’m trying so hard to avoid them for your sake. Yes, bunny trails are a huge problem for me. I can’t stress to you enough how grateful I am to have a bunny trail problem today versus some of the other ones that I’ve created for myself in the past.
Okay, in conclusion of my level 3 description please understand I’m focusing on problems, accepted problems, and how problematic all these problems can be, because you either rise above it all or flush your life down a toilet. Yes, a toilet because that’s where “that” kind of stink belongs.
Problems on all levels will consume you if you let them. I let them do exactly that, consume me. I developed a passion for solving problems because I truly love seeing a solution play out in real time. Not to mention, I may have lived a couple, just a couple of my 50 years creating a few—no more than 1 or 2 surely—problems of my own that needed solving. And there was no shortage of problems needing to be solved at a level 3 prison.
I truly believe wholeheartedly that there’s something good to be found in every bad situation. Prison became one big puzzle to study and solve. Indirectly, I was starting to solve my own problems simultaneously. I’ve learned a lot about human behaviors in general and especially involving confrontational situations. I always study the excuses that people make for themselves involving the “why factor” involved with those types of situations and how they are created in the first place. I’ve seen the bad decisions I’ve made in the past play out in others and I’ve learned how to suggest to them that they apply a different solution than I had used.
I allowed myself to become a problem magnet. Everyone would bring their problems to me because I got positive results. Positive in the sense of avoiding negatives, minimizing consequences, or avoiding them entirely. I’m not trying to paint a positive church choir boy type of picture here and I’m not saying I’m Dr. Phil either. I’m talking about dealing with issues born from bad decisions and criminal activities, like preventing gang wars or people getting stabbed, jumped, or beaten into comas.
Although, I can relate to Dr. Phil and I do respect and appreciate his talent. I’ve dealt with a lot of individuals, their unique personalities, and their emotional issues involving stressful personal situations or other issues they were experiencing as well. Issues like relationships with their kids, families, drug addiction, and triggers that created anger dangers for themselves and others —that’s just naming a few.
I was fascinated by the fact that I was good at solving those types of problems and I loved it. I didn’t know it then, but I was building the foundation for the work I’ve done within myself this past three years along with the work I’ve chosen to do for the rest of my life. I’ve been learning about who “Mike” really is and making changes that honestly represent who I am.
Regardless of the reasoning I’ve used to describe my attraction to bad decisions, I started to stink and the level 3 prison I was housed at took out the garbage.
And that’s a major transition into this next level. See, sometimes you just have to commit to those transitions if you plan on accomplishing what you’ve set out to accomplish. If I’ve learned anything, I’ve learned that for sure. Transitions are a crucial part of making changes in any way, shape, form, or sort.
Level 4 – Maximum Security
Every individual prisoner is housed in a cell by themselves. This is referred to as “single man cells.”
This level of security requires a prisoner to be locked down 22-24 hours a day depending on the housing unit you’re housed in, and why. This is the second to the last stop in the “goal” of stopping problems within the prison system.
I believe every prisoner in the state of Ohio should start the time they’re serving here at this prison —the one I’m housed at —because this prison offers the least amount of freedom in Ohio. I think that would eliminate a lot of the bad decisions prisoners make along their journeys within the prison system because this environment simply isn’t any fun, at all. Unfortunately, that’s not realistic within the Ohio prison system and it’ll never happen, but it would certainly be an effective solution or deterrent.
If the prison system established specific programs to be run at specific security levels and/or prisons, then prisoners could work towards getting their security level lowered in order to be transferred and enroll in those specific programs that would truly support reintegration.
In my unrealistic dream world the programs would be mandatory in order to be housed at a prison with more freedoms as well. Prisoners would also receive good time for being housed within them. Basically, you would need to totally restructure the current objective in housing prisoners from a babysitting campaign into a “work & learn” environment.
The prisoners who choose to be problematic can stay here or go up to the last level of security. The prisoners who’ve earned the privilege to drop their level can request to be housed at the prison that provides the programs that best fit their ability to work & learn. Redirect the focus on activities within the prison system that support one’s release versus the same activities that landed them here in the first place.
This is a bunny trail and I’m going to jump off it before I write us down a never-ending trail.
I have many ideas about how many different “things” could be done to better the prison system, but this isn’t the writing for that. This writing is about my system, the ideas I’ve already implemented into my own life, and how those good decisions have changed me for the better—even in this bad place.
When I arrived here, I was shocked and I’d thought I had seen it all already. Nowhere even close Mike! Assumptions, Bad Mike. Don’t ever assume you’ve experienced all there is to experience or that you “know” all things, you don’t and you haven’t. Trust me on that fact.
If you have “trust issues” feel free to come on down here and see for yourself. You might want to choose another battle to have a trust fight about because I’m just trying to spare you this experience. As beneficial as this bad place has been for me, my advice is still going to be: “Do all you can to avoid coming here, period.”
A level 4 prison requires you to possess a certain mental factor about yourself. You spend a lot of time alone and inside your own head. There’s a lot of suicides here at this prison and numerous attempts or threats weekly. Not all prisoners have the mental capacity to adapt and adjust to the isolation of a maximum-security prison.
You’re able to interact with other prisoners, but it’s extremely limited and controlled. For prisoners that are antisocial, this is paradise. Some prisoners have jobs as block porters, the chow hall, or institutional porters. Those prisoners have the most freedoms a level 4 offers when it comes to the amount of time spent out of your cell, and interaction with other prisoners and staff.
Some prisoners are like me, they’ve chosen to live here because this environment serves some sort of purpose for them. The number 1 reason that prisoners choose to remain here is because of the single man cells. There are prisoners who’ve served years of their sentence here at this prison because of that. A single man cell is simply their cup of tea.
When you go up for a security review, you’re able to make a request to remain housed here/there. How each prison processes those requests differs, but that’s pretty much the norm for most Ohio prisons —regardless of the security level.
The last thing a prison wants is for a prisoner who’s request to stay here/there gets denied, then they go to a lower security level and they’re problematic or they hurt someone—and get shipped right back.
A lot of prisoners struggle with effective communication skills and may not be capable of stating their reasons for wanting to remain housed where they are during their security reviews. Those prisoners take the security drop with the intention to come right back by “crashing out” when they arrive at the new prison or do it here/there before they’re dropped. That disruptive act negates their drop and they get what they wanted, to stay.
Some prisoners do just like I did in February 2023. They appeal the decision by the institution to lower your security because you’re no longer deemed problematic. And some prisoners are simply problematic by their very nature and they’ll never drop their security level. They live at level 4’s & 5’s, forever!
A level 4 prison is considered a disciplinary prison. When you arrive here from a lower security level, you’re placed in 4B which is the most insane environment I’ve ever experienced in all 50 years of my life. I will not write any details about that insanity. Just know you’re required to serve at least a year in the hole before you’re considered for placement into a transition block (there’s that word again, transition).
You have to remain completely problem free — and I mean problems of any kind or at any level — in order to drop back down the security ladder. If you remain problematic, you’ll remain in a cage. Your freedoms are restricted to that cell. You wouldn’t believe me if I shared the amount and types of problems prisoners can still create from a 8×10 that they spend 23 hours and 45 minutes in every day. Unbelievably insane!
A level 4 consists of 4B, 4AT, and 4A (or simply 4, it’s always changing).
As I stated, 4B is disciplinary and you only leave your cell to take a shower. You’re handcuffed and shackled during any movement. You’re given a 12-minute shower, so it’s about 15 minutes out of your cell daily. Some guys don’t shower, ever. Talk about a bad stink, horrendous!
4AT is a transition block where you’ll spend 3-6 months under review for placement into 4A or simply 4. Here you’re able to walk to the chow hall 3 times a day with the other 19 prisoners on your range. All movement is restricted to a total of 20 prisoners at time. Those movement restrictions are only to and from the chow hall or recreation. When you arrive to one of those two locations, you’re all together with your entire block (80 people total / 4 ranges each block).
You’re allowed recreation for one hour (at most) daily. Outside recreation is only allowed during the summer months. Cuffs and shackles are no longer required during movement. The only other places you’re allowed to go is to the library (twice weekly), a visit if your family is willing to visit you, infirmary, or on an institutional pass like going to the mental health department.
Simply, 4 has the exact same activities and freedoms as 4AT. The other differences between those 2 types of housing have to do with institutional privileges versus freedom, so I’ll spare you the monotony of reading about it.
Danger Factor – This prison (Lucasville) houses the worst of the worst, at all levels. There is roughly 55,000 prisoners serving time in the state of Ohio at any given point. This prison has the capacity to house 1,000 prisoners. They leave roughly 100-300 cells open just in case an emergency type of situation arises at other institutions.
So basically, you’re living with roughly 700 of the worst people in the state of Ohio. You need to lower that figure to around 500 once you’ve accounted for other prisoners like myself who aren’t problematic; we have (an estimated 150-200 of us) just requested to stay here for one reason or another. Out of the 500 remaining worst problems within this prison, 65 of the 80 people in your block are exactly those—problematic.
If you’re lucky, you might end up with one or two guys on your range to interact with. You may or may not find any type of common ground to communicate about, but at least you’ll get some human interaction on some level.
Next, I’m using this disclaimer as an introduction into this last security level—I’ve never been housed at a level 5 prison.
Level 5 – Maximum Security
This level is strictly disciplinary. There’s no general population. It’s strictly a 4B as far as privileges are concerned. Movement is limited to the range day room or a recreation cage. Your interaction with others is limited to 8 other prisoners within your block. The fact that the disciplinary terms prisoners serve are longer is the reason prisoners get more freedoms.
I’m not going down any bunny trails here, so I’ll simply say it’s like doing general population time in a 4B cell without any movement except for your shower. Again 15 minutes out of your cell, and yes, it’s single man cells.
There’s only one level 5 prison located in Ohio and everyone housed here at this prison would give up a body part to be transferred there. They (every prisoner I’ve spoken to and personally know) say its’ heaven compared to this prison, even though it’s a level 5. You’ll also be surprised to hear about “death row” and their freedoms. I certainly was. * (I’ll thank “Greg” for the information I’ll use concerning death row).
Death Row – The Ultimate Security.
There’s a guy who moved into my block several months ago named Greg. We work out together during recreation. He’s on a different range within my block so that’s the only time I get to interact with him. He’s been on death row since 1983 and after 40 years they took him off of death row and moved him to this prison.
I’ll give you this background so you’ll understand “how” I’ve been able to provide you with this brief description and have some credibility. Obviously, I’ve never been on death row, and that’s a disclaimer I’m very grateful to make.
Death Row is just like a level 4 general population type of setting except you’re out of your cell for the most part of the day. From 6:30am – 9:30pm excluding count times (3 a day, 1-1/2 hours each). I couldn’t believe it when I heard that. That’s level 1 & 2 types of freedom, but the prisoners are only allowed out onto their ranges with all the other prisoners on those ranges.
They actually receive many privileges as well. This wasn’t always the case. As Greg broke it all down for me, he said death row has evolved immensely over this past 20 years as activist’s efforts have improved the freedoms & privileges those prisoners receive. He told me from 1983 until the late 1990’s they only would get one 5-minute phone call every year. They would only get 3 hours of recreation a week along with 3 coinciding showers a week. Other than that, hello lockdown.
The prisoners couldn’t watch television, nothing but books. Needless to say, Greg is loaded with information about many different subjects.
To conclude this subject concerning security levels and my descriptions of them, I’ll make a transition into the final segment of this article, writing, short story, or whatever you want to call it.
For the record: That wasn’t just a description, there were many of my famous bunny trails blazoned in there as well. Are there any rules about going down too many bunny trails with this writing thing? If so, I’m sure I’ve broken a few, but I am just now learning to write.
Writing is truly a lot like doing time, you only learn what to do and what not to do once you do it. You have to be willing to get your head cracked a few times in order to figure it out. It’s a good thing I’m a quick study because my head’s run out of room to receive any more cracks on.
To kind of quote Forrest Gump: “Mama said nothing good comes easy.” Thanks Forrest and Mama.
GOOD DECISION?
Yes, one of the best decisions I’ve made this year. And that decision was to stay here at this level 4 maximum security prison.
Back in February of this year I went up for my security review. I was dropped back down to a level 3 prison. I asked my case manager about staying here and not accepting the drop. My case manager gave me an appeal form and I appealed the decision. I had to write down my reasons for the appeal and I was able to stay here for another year.
You might think I’m crazy and I’m not arguing that thought with you. It was an extremely difficult decision to make. I had multiple different factors involved with that decision and each one came with its own price I’d have to pay in making it. The cost/benefit factors involved with making that decision are too many to break down here in this article, writing, or dissertation. Is that what this is, a dissertation?
I’ll touch on the greatest cost in a minute to conclude this… yeah that. You can go ahead and say it: “Whatever you want to call it.” Good Reader!
I’ll give you a hint, the greatest cost has been my freedoms. For me right now, some extra freedoms without obtaining true success in my own mind just are not worth having after all the hard work I have put in so far to make my success real. In my own mind, and on my own tough, self-imposed terms. As far as I’m concerned anyways. Call it re-affirming with yourself you accomplished the goal.
If you’ve followed my blog or social media platforms (www.badboymikesblog.com or I’m Here – Sam H. Facebook page) you’ve already read about how I have progressed and made sure I benefited over this past two-plus years anyways.
The fact that those platforms even exist at all is proof or a testament to the greatest benefit that’s been born from me being housed here in this prison. My recent choice only helps me further develop those platforms and ultimately use them as a foundation for the future I’m building for myself and my life beyond these prison walls.
I’ve chosen to continue taking advantage of the time and isolation that I do have right now and prepare for exactly that, success. And I’ll continue to “Do the Work” of course (that should be mandatory for any and every one doing time).
Anyways, all the benefits pretty much fall under the umbrella of “self-betterment” or self-rehabilitation if you will. Likely, I wouldn’t have created those outlets to make changes on if it wasn’t for this bad place. Those platforms or tools have been very therapeutic and supported me in learning about all things negative and positive about myself. The public factor has allowed me to do it openly and honestly and in a manner that holds me forever accountable for everything I’ve shared as well.
To quote Greg: “You won’t change what you won’t confront.” Well Greg, I couldn’t agree more with you on that fact and I’ve confronted and changed a lot about myself. And I’ve done it in a way that’s been very uncomfortable, public, and made me completely vulnerable. Especially when you take into account where I’m at and the different types of people I’m surrounded by. Not everyone shares my view on “making changes” or the direction my life is going today.
I look at it like this, I committed my crimes for everyone to openly see, so those affected by my crimes and everyone I’ve hurt deserve to see the work that’s been done in order for me to learn and prevent that pain and those crimes from ever being repeated in our lives again. And maybe someone else will benefit and not do what I did in the past as well.
The foundation that’s being built utilizing those platforms has allowed me to develop my mission and decide what direction to take my campaign on when I walk out of these prison gates. Also, I’ve been able to gain “proof of concept” in my abilities to actually achieve the goals I’ve set. One of those goals is to work in some sort of counseling capacity. I’ve already proven my abilities to help myself and other people generate positive solutions for their lives versus just accepting failure and continuing to simply live in their problems and make excuses for themselves.
I’ve proven I’m capable of making that a reality because I’ve already started to do it and found some success. I’ve helped people through the work that’s been done on those platforms, the work I’ve done inside of prison helping other prisoners, and a couple of complete strangers have shared how I’ve helped them too. Those have been some of the best, most validating feelings that I’ve experienced since I’ve been incarcerated, and that deserves a period for sure. All this simply supports my future success, flat out.
I don’t have to waste this experience. I haven’t and I won’t, end of story.
Those are only a few of my goals that have been born from my decision to remain here and continue doing the work instead of accepting my lower security placement. I could be experiencing more freedoms for the remaining 3 years of my sentence, but staying here also supports any opportunities that I may have for an early release.
Preparing for that future and opportunity would be extremely difficult to continue accomplishing with another grown man in the cell with me. I’ll just leave it at that and avoid the “celly” bunny trail. That bunny trail would be an entire dissertation all of its own.
My point is, I’ve chosen to give up freedoms inside of prison in order to possibly obtain the only freedom that truly matters to me. That’s God willing of course and hopefully I’ll earn that opportunity sooner than later too.
I still haven’t even mentioned all of the other goals I’ve achieved for myself while living in this bad place and I won’t. I’ll spare you that dissertation because I care about other people and respect their time. That’s why I truly do try avoiding all of the bunny trails. But they’re just so easy to wonder down. Just know I wouldn’t have been able to set or accomplish any of the goals I have shared and the one’s I’m not sharing if it wasn’t for this experience. I’ve undergone these past two and a half years here at this prison, period.
When I arrived here from a level 3 prison, I had already made the decision to completely change my life and the way I was doing my time. I needed and wanted that more than anything, but I just didn’t quite know how to begin making that 180-degree turnaround.
I shouldn’t say 180 degrees because that insinuates that I needed/wanted to return to where I was. The person I was is dead and gone. The truth of the matter is that I’ve never been where I’m currently at in life right now and I’ve never been headed in the direction that I’m going in in any sort of official capacity either. I’m very excited for my future and the only things I want to return to from my past is being a father, my family, and hard work.
So, instead of using the 180-degree terminology, I’ll simply say: “Rise above.” Yes, that’s much better. I didn’t know how to rise above it all when I arrived here. Being in a single man cell has definitely helped me rise above all the negativity that I’ve been surrounded by since I’ve begun doing time. It introduced me to myself. And hence, Bad Boy Mike was born.
I’m not really bad or a boy, the name represents the beginning of making changes for me and who I am today. It’s an honest representation of how I’m living my life. And rest assured, I live by the definitions that define the acronym I created using that very name and everything it stands for. And that deserves a period, flat out, and that should definitely be the end of story, but it’s not.
I take that very serious because I wrote the entire Bad Boy Mike’s 2nd Chance Project – Do The Work self-rehabilitation program off of that name. It’s the foundation for the business I’m building and will run within 2 years after my release. That’s a fact and yes, period.
I’ve always worked hard and was proud of being able to provide for my family when I was married. Whenever I struggled to do that, my wife (at the time) and I always maintained some sort of normalcy and stability within our household for the sake of our children. We always wanted to provide that safe, secure, positive environment for our kids to thrive in.
The environment I’m in right now provides me with similar benefits when it comes to stability, routine, and learning. I’ve been thriving and able to make transitions that I’ve craved making for some time now. I’m actually a happy person and very grateful for so many positive things in my life, like the love and support of my kids and family for starters. I’m not a kid as I’ve said, but I’m applying the lessons I’ve learned to my life just as a child does in their most formative years.
The work that I’m doing for myself today serves those same purposes that the work I did back when I was married served my kids back then. The exceptions being that my kids are now adult children and instead of working hard to provide the environment, I work hard to provide that same type of foundation as it relates to our relationships today versus environment years ago.
I’m more than prepared to continue doing that hard work from out there in the free world in putting all of this prison stuff behind us, where it belongs. I’m prepared to continue taking action in turning all of the negatives from my past into positives because I’ve already begun. I’m more than prepared to begin my transition back into society and achieve absolute success every single step of the way.
If I do happen to stumble for some unforeseen reason, I understand the importance of asking for help today versus living with a Superman mentality like I did in the past, especially when addressing my mental health issues.
One important lesson I’ve learned is that even after I’ve served my time and been released, I’ll always be working hard to put my past behind me and prove myself. I’m doing that work right now by doing this work. When it comes to accountability I always say: “If you won’t do the work while you’re in prison, you won’t do it out there once you’re free either, period.”
My work ethic inside and outside of prison supports me in combating that “proving myself” fact or battle if you will. My mindset and attitude towards life alone drastically increases my chances to succeed where others fail. I’ve given myself a head start in proving myself because I can’t afford to be doing all of this work to prove myself or trying to explain myself out there while I’m in the middle of getting a job. I wanted/needed more than just words to back up who I am and how I’ll be perceived. I can use all of this work to prove how I chose to spend several years of my remaining time. I can even add it to a résumé.
I’ll briefly touch on a couple of other important lessons I’ve learned about myself these past few years, especially the past two and a half years here at this prison. They truly aren’t too far off from the lessons a child will learn as they navigate life as well.
That’s kind of a fun fact right there because I’ve said many, many times that dealing with grown men, drug addicts, hardened convicts, murderers, criminals, gang members, and all the other stereotypical prisoner descriptions (as true and applicable as some may be) while solving problems and settling issues is exactly like dealing with small children on an emotional level. It truly requires the same skill set as raising young children when it comes to obtaining successful resolutions involving matters of conflict with hardened criminals. It’s kind of uncanny.
Back to my lessons. That fun fact was the beginning of another bunny trail, bad Mike.
I’ve just learned so much. I likely wouldn’t have been able to become the person I’ve grown into without being incarcerated here at this level 4 prison. This harsh, of the harshest, environment has motivated me to truly implement life changing corrective measures that I desperately needed in my life.
Knowing you want/need to do things differently versus actually doing them is a difficult battle to fight without the proper help. This bad place was that help for me. Truly, I’m scared to death to change any part of what’s helped me accomplish all that I have—but I must continue this transition to reach all my goals. That must take place beyond these walls. The sheer reality of this environment motivated me in achieving success, and truth be told, has somewhat justified the heavy costs or prices that I’ve had to pay while experiencing it.
I’ve chosen to make changes, worked hard to do exactly that, and I’m protecting the work I’ve put in by staying in this uncomfortable environment—in a single man cell—that helped me serve that purpose. I’ve lived plenty of the 50 years of my life being completely fearless, it’s nice to be afraid of or scared to death to lose something I want so bad. And that’s a future worth living and I want to live that future tomorrow.
My mentality and vision, was very much focused on all things “prison” before coming here to this level 4 and experiencing the isolation. The guy I was 3 years ago was still caught up in being way too concerned about what other people thought about me.
I’ve dealt with issues related to fitting in or being liked my entire life. I know that sounds elementary, but even grown men want to feel like they “belong” to something, especially after losing all that you’ve ever known (by our own choices through our own actions of course). I assure you I worried about all the wrong types of thoughts and people too. I often defined myself by what I was doing or who I was surrounded by. I see clearly now that’s because I didn’t truly know, and I mean honestly, who Mike Brunsman was or what exactly I wanted out of life.
I didn’t even know the types of things I liked to do own my own or by myself — with alone time is probably a better way of saying it. I was unsure of all the positive qualities that I possessed back then. Today I know that I positively possess many strengths and I’m flexing those strengths in preparing for freedom, period.
At a level 3 prison I found it hard to “rise above” the very environment I was working so hard to fit into and adapt within. That goes for everything and everyone in that environment pretty much as well. That’s one of the reasons why I like/liked problems so much. I always find/found common ground with any and everyone. God knows I’ve never had a problem creating problems when I applied myself. So, I have a pretty good and well diverse repertoire when it comes to problems and life’s experiences in dealing with them for sure.
If that “problem” topic isn’t the beginning of a bunny trail then I have no idea what one looks like and I may never get a handle on my bunny trail problem. Can I get a little help here? Good Mike or bad Mike?
Back on point, at the lower security levels I was doing other people’s time in order to do my time or simply doing time the way it was supposed to be done — according to everyone doing it. Now that’s a tongue twister and a mind bender right there. No wonder there’s so many people that are members of that “bad decision club” while they’re in prison, wow.
Back on point, “Take 2.” I know all of that probably doesn’t make much or any sense to you, but I basically was putting myself at risk and was willing to sacrifice myself for things, people, and purposes that weren’t willing to do the same for me. Not that that justifies any part of the choices I made back then, it’s simply just a fact that I had to learn the hard way. At the end of the day, those purposes, things, and some of the people weren’t worth a… or the stink they emitted. And I’m definitely referencing the toilet kind of stink there.
To conclude this, yeah that’s right, whatever you want to call it, I’m going to share one of the most profound conversations that I’ve ever had with anyone since I’ve been in prison. This conversation also defines the person I was and the mentality I possessed back in the day versus the real Mike Brunsman that I’ve become today. Not to say that I wasn’t “real” back then, I’m simply using that wording to represent the growth I’ve underwent.
The conversation was with one of my closest friends in prison as well. That might sound weird to some, but people do form friendships in prison. Even after I’m released from prison that freedom doesn’t negate the very, and I mean very few friendships that I’ve formed with very few and I mean only a few people while being incarcerated all these years. I define my relationships with these few individuals as friendships because they fully support me in my goals and the life I’ve chosen to live, whether the friendships continue on or not.
It’ll be hard to write this in a way that’s going to convey the weight of this conversation over to you, the Reader, properly in order for you to share in my description of this being as “profound” as I’ve prepositioned it to be. Therefore, this just might end up being one of those trust situations again where you’ll just have to trust me.
The great thing about risk to reward ratios is that people always calculate them or weigh them out in making decisions because there’s been some truly great ones made and we all desire for that label to be attached to the choices we make. We calculate the probability of us making that “great one” using our internal risk to reward calculation systems and regardless of how the numbers total out, there’s always some risk in making it. Trust and risk are so entirely different in their definitions, yet their relationship is absolutely synonymous in the wide world of decision making. You can’t have one without the other.
In my conversation, I was talking about my risk to reward calculations involving some choices needing to be made. Now any mathematician would tell you I had no problem trusting in ratios that had no business being trusted, period. Again, this was years ago and my internal calculation system has undergone a well needed recalibration since then, but anyways no need for excuses. The fact I’m sitting in a prison cell this very moment more than proves I wasn’t the smartest guy around back in the day.
Okay, so he leans forward putting his elbows on his knees (we’re sitting across from one another, face to face, in chairs) after listening to me ramble on about my mathematical genius type of abilities and my “great” decision making skills. I mirror his body language because it was apparent that my ear was the only intended ear, he wanted to process what he was about to say.
He says one single sentence to me. He looked me right in my eyes with a confident coldness embedded into his stare and said the most heartwarming thing I’ve ever heard. It was such an emotional tug of war type of moment to process because the look on his face was similar to the last face you would ever see right before you took your last breath type of look. Simultaneously, the words spoken seemed to compare with something you would hear spoken out of the clouds while witnessing the most beautiful sunset you’ve ever seen.
And the ironic thing is that the words he spoke had absolutely nothing to do with any part of the conversation we were having, at all. Like he was actually living in those clouds as I was talking to him the entire time. I’m sure you remember me writing that “my ear was the only intended ear to process what he was about to say” right? Well, I’ll respect his intentions by keeping that sentence to myself, but I will tell you about the conversation I was apparently having with myself.
Sorry for that disappointment; everyone loves a beautiful sunset, I know, I know — bad Mike!
I was talking about things that were definitely “toilet worthy” and I wasn’t bothered a bit by the stench. I just sat there dumping out stupidity and risk and there was no reward attached to anything I was thinking or talking about. The mindset behind this crap was that prison was prison and I was embracing fearlessness to the point that I was going to jump into that toilet alongside all the stupidity and risk I had been dumping in there and flush it all away, including myself.
The words I heard were like smelling the orange groves in Florida when they’re in mid bloom and I instantly flushed that toilet mentally.
From that moment 5-1/2 years ago, up to this very day, I fully understand the power in spoken words and this past 2-1/2 years I’ve eliminated negativity from my mindset and vocabulary, period.
I began to value so much about life after almost throwing it away so easily and I realized how fortunate I truly was to have a brain. Yes Dad, I really do have one. That was the moment my eyes began to look beyond the prison fence and towards home. That was the moment I began to desire that change I wanted/needed in my life so bad, but was unsure of the “how factor” that would be involved with achieving it. All I wanted was to be free and home with my kids, but I still had years left to serve and plenty left to still figure out, as you’ve read, good Reader.
Prison is not where it’s at, at all. Admitting fear of anything isn’t easy, especially inside of a prison, but I do know that when one experiences “fear of loss” that’s because they care about something. People tend to protect what they care about. I do care about a lot of things today including life and living it well.
Staying here at a level 4 prison protects the path I’m on because it’s that specific type of environment that I’ve thrived in. This structured environment is what I’ll duplicate for myself when I’m released from prison. Being on probation/parole/post release control or whatever you want to call it will definitely dictate me achieving that goal as well.
And that pretty much concludes how I’ve chosen to simplify all of the problematic problems I chose to surround myself with in the past. I’ve chosen to focus on myself, my goals, and all that I love in this world. I’ve chosen to correct my own problems and put actions behind that choice. A choice without action is nothing at all, flat out!
Rules give me the structure I crave and I embrace them today. I take them extremely serious and regret ever taking on the mentality that breaking them was just part of doing time. Bad Mike for sure on that one.
I hate the fact that I’ve hurt people I love. I began this work to amend the reality of that pain, prove those behaviors are forever concreted into the past, and to earn the credibility to have that goal taken seriously by others as well. As menial as my actions may seem to some people, they’ve taken a lot of hard work to bring my intentions into a reality and define who Mike Brunsman truly is and to do it all in such an open manner. It’s hard work taking your goals from a concept and turning them into a reality that you actually begin living. So yeah, I’m afraid to jeopardize everything I’ve done to be able to accomplish all of that.
Fear, responsibility, accountability, hard work, and committing to making transitions, now those truly do all go together and hold their own within any environment, on any buffet table, inside of any clubhouse, and definitely are a part of any life that’s well lived. And that’s without a doubt.
I’ve become extremely comfortable being uncomfortable because that’s just naturally part of growing up. Making transitions along with being responsible and accountable isn’t always easy, but it’s absolutely imperative in changing your life for the better.
I care way more about myself, my children, my family, and to finish accomplishing everything that I’ve already begun, than worrying about the elementary things that I was concerned about before. I’m in “graduate school” now and life is serious business. My education has taught me that life is just like running a business and I’m prepared for my grand opening. I’ve seen way too much of “life” being wasted, harmed, lost, abused, and all for no good reason at the end of the day.
As for the end of this whatever you want to call it, I’m stating the following statements as a fact, promise, commitment, or however you choose to perceive it as; just know I’m going on the record here and I’ve been doing the work to start and will continue to make these statements a reality.
Here’s my statement:
After all I’ve learned about myself while doing this time in prison, after all of the writing I’ve done about such a small portion of this entire 12 year experience, after tapping into and reflecting upon all of my life changing experiences, and after contemplating about all the different types of affects that prison has had on my life, I absolutely promise to use all I’ve experienced and learned for the betterment of individuals who are going through any part of “bad” at any level in their lives. I simply won’t allow this experience to be wasted. And that’s a fact.
I will create a business that will—or work with a nonprofit in order to absolutely redefine how prisoners are rehabilitated by giving them the ability to self-rehabilitate. Not all prisoners, just the ones who want/need to better themselves and create opportunities for their futures. I say “not all” prisoners because some are happy and content with failure inside and out of prison and have zero desire to change anything about themselves. Not this guy and there’s others around who want/need that direction and help in “how” to put failure in their rearview mirrors as well.
I promise to further develop a system, community, or platform for everyone to participate in for the sake of good, prevention, reintegration, and opportunity. And that’s only naming a few. I promise to continue turning all the negatives into positives and helping others to “do the work” as well. I will get my self-rehabilitation project into prisoner’s cells or dorms one way or another. I will adapt, grow, build, and add to that project until it serves its intended purpose. That purpose is helping prisoners find themselves, their power to take control of their lives, and to use their abilities to “do the work” and be successful. They’ll find that success inside of the life they’ve chosen to currently live—right now while in prison—and outside after they’re released.
In closing this out, I thank God for the types of problems that I’m having today versus the ones I chose or created for myself in the past. I feel it would be disrespectful to God if I didn’t. I’m not going bible thumping here or anything even remotely similar, I’m just openly stating my gratitude for all the changes that have taken place in my life. Are they all truly by my own doing? Has a miracle taken place?
Well, they are ultimately my choices, but I certainly credit God for all the opportunities to choose differently than I’ve chosen in my past.
Most of my problems today center around time management issues or writing problems/issues. Like wondering about all the minute, pesky little rule adherences of writing and balancing my ability to navigate all the different types of bunny-trails I can and do get lost on every time I write.
And I also thank God for transitions and hard work along with this bad place I’ve chosen to live in. Bad place, good decision, and good Mike.
As that musical performing artist/singer named Lizzo would say: “It’s about damn time.”
P.S.
I’ve been writing an article called: The Facts of Time. I’ve been writing this particular article for 7-1/2 months as of this week. Ironically, it’s extremely late.
I’m excited to get it completed and posted. I hope you’ll take the time to read this “masterpiece” I’ve created. Well, allow me to correct that statement please. A masterpiece for my skills and abilities in writing, not too sure what your definition will be. You’ll just have to read it and see.
I can assure you that I’ve never written anything quite like this before. And I’ve backed up everything I’ve written with proof of lessons learned and the application of that knowledge. I’ve lost 65 pounds during the writing of this masterpiece and you’ll have to read it to understand how that proves anything.
Oh, it does and this one is full of fun facts as well. Bunny trails you ask? Not so much.
That doesn’t mean I’ve solved that problem it just means I’ve learned to embrace the problem and turn it into a positive. Embracing bunny trails truly has taken me — and you, the Reader down many new roads, literally. Well, metaphorically.
The roads only travel so far when you’re living in an 8×10 prison cell. And that’s the end of that story, flat out and period!
See you on the next one. Thanks for reading.
Bad Boy Mike
Mike Brunsman #A676-192
Southern Ohio Correctional Facility
1724 SR 728
Lucasville, Ohio 45699
* Do The Work is a service-mark/trademark utilized by Bad Boy Mike’s®, a registered trademark.
