Plus, all the secrets and dirty laundry got aired out…
May 12, 2024
Challenge One – 2nd Post (first post 2/13/2024)
Challenge: Analyze your past and identify patterns of behaviors that have led to negative consequences for you and others in my life.
Looking back to my childhood has really opened my mind as to the reasons for my mindset growing up.
Since I can remember, back to a toddler 2-3 years old, I was the star of the household cause I would say and do anything my Uncles, Grandpas, Aunts, Cousins would put me up to. And I do mean anything good and bad, mostly bad though.
For example, my Grandpa would always show me off in bad ways to his buddies. We had a few little sayings we had. The most used was this. He’d ask me ” who are you” around his buddies and I’d say, “I’m Baby James and I got a bucket of balls and a yard of d… and I don’t take no shit”. Man would they praise me, laugh, and give me money.
Another one of our phrases was this. He’d ask me “how bad I was” and I’d say, “Pawpaw, I’m bad to the bone” and he’d smile, give me a big hug, or give me some skin (which was a high five) and say, “damn right you are boy”. So those phrases became a motto of mine before I even knew what that was. That was a real gift and a curse for me. The gift of it was it built so much bravery and courage that it made me almost fearless. Which is where the curse of it takes place in my life.
By no means am I saying my family is at fault or the reason why I became the man that I once was because I couldn’t ask for a better childhood. I was a spoiled brat, got everything I ever wanted or asked for. Been to Disney World several times, vacations twice a year, family outings, bowling, camping, fishing, concerts, zoos, amusement parks, the whole nine yards. They gave us the world.
As a little man, I was taught family values and traditions. My Mawmaw cooked us dinner every day and we all ate together. On Sundays, she’d go all out for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I’ll tell you now, ain’t a chef or a restaurant making food like Mawmaw, especially for Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I’m talking Golden Coral selections with food and desserts that’ll make your tongue slap your ear lobes.
So needless to say, Mawmaw taught me how to cook and what hospitality was all about while keeping family morals and traditions.
On the other hand, my days spent with my Pawpaw were life-changing. That man was a jack of all trades and knew a lot about everything. Growing up though, he really confused me. Cause at the age of like 2 to 8 years old he’d put me up to most of my behaviors.
Example. I’m the runt of my generation so I had a rough bunch of kids making me “tough.” My earlier years I was a crybaby and ran to Mawmaw to get my way. So while I’m crying to Mawmaw, she’s telling Pawpaw to jerk a knot in whoever’s butt.
Well, I cried wolf a lot and Pawpaw instead of babying me, said, “cowboys don’t wine and cry. They make a way no matter what.” He told me to stand up to them and don’t let them bully me just cause they was bigger. When they start picking on you, just punch them in the nose, and if you’re afraid, hit them with something and I promise they’ll leave you alone.
As you can see my Grandparents played a major role in my life, and that’s both sides of the family. They were one in the same lifestyles. I really idolized my Grandpas and looked up to them and wanted to be just like them.
A little bit about my Parents and why my Grandparents were a major part in my life. They were teenagers when my Mom had me. However, they were married, doing well taking care of me, and we lived in the house right next door to Mawmaw & Pawpaw.
As I remember back, I was a little wild and out of control ever since I can remember. That’s cause I was a super spoiled brat that got his way 101% of the time due to my Grandparents. However, at Mom & Dad’s house I was made to listen, or should I say, they tried to make me mind them.
So Mom had no chance at all, and I’d only listen to my Dad 10% of the time. So I was getting a lot of butt whoopings, and not a little pat on the ass. I’m talking belts and paddles and then I’m laughing at them saying, “that shit don’t hurt, I’m a Cowboy.” Mind you, I’m just a toddler doing this.
This is only a glimpse into my childhood. I have so many stories and life lessons growing up. I’m really touching on the key points I feel like had the biggest impact on me and my life growing up. With that said, I’m gonna share the life-changing events that affected me the most.
So life was all about me and my shenanigans up to age 5. To everyone, I was their Little Angel and the ground I walked on was sacred and if you told anyone that my poop stunk you might have gotten slapped. So at age 5 so much changed for me.
The first thing was my brother was born and had some major health issues and needed a lot of attention and care. So my badass got sent to my Grandparents more & more often. Reasons being is I was jealous. Bro was getting all my Mom’s love and Mom was always being mean to me, screaming at me, and telling my Dad to whoop me. So now, I’m starting to feel like they don’t want me no more.
Now seeds of hate started to grow towards them and my Brother.
Now the second event really put the icing on the cake for me. My Mom & Dad got divorced 6 months after my Brother was born and those seeds of hate started to grow more. I thought it was my fault they split up and I blamed it on my Brother. I honestly took it out on him growing up.
It was a really nasty divorce custody battle from hell. My Mom didn’t want my Dad to see us so they drug us all through the court and police-supervised drop-offs. That shit really fucked me up at the time.
Plus, all the secrets and dirty laundry got aired out. Each of them filling my head about the other parent’s flaws. And after every visit, I got interrogated about the other. My mind was twisted and confused. So I made a decision at 6-7 years old that my Parents are full of shit and liars and that I was a tool they both used against each other.
With the help of my Grandparents telling the real deal, at the end of it all my Mom had custody of us kids and shared with Dad. We went to school at Mom and Dad’s for the weekend. Mom lived with my Grandparents most of my life.
The third life-changing event was my Stepparents. I absolutely hated them, especially my Step Dad. One of the most devastating things I felt and went through in my life was my Mom hated me. Ever since my Brother was born, it’s something I’ve struggled with, and always looked for those traits of hate from her.
Well, we all moved out of Granny’s house to a house around the corner. I hated it and did all kinds of crazy shit to my Step Dad just out of spite. For example, he used a particular type of shampoo and if I used his shampoo, I’d get in trouble. So I took and squirted out his shampoo and pissed in it.
Another thing I did to him was funny. He did landscaping at times and it is wintertime, so he wears work gloves. So I turn his gloves inside out, put them on, and go pick up a pile of dog shit and squeeze it in between all the fingers and peeled them off. I made it look normal in his coat pocket and he had a shitty embarrassment in front of his crew. I did the same type of shit to my Step Mom. I was like Bam Maigera with the pranks on Stepparents.
Like I was saying, I felt like my Mom hated me and all I did was get on her nerves and all she’d do was be mean, yell at me, and whoop me. I honestly got a real problem at this point. I got kicked out of preschool, kindergarten, and first grade.
Now comes the fourth thing. So all my actions at school got me a trip to the physiologist cause all my teachers said I needed help to focus in class. So my Mom believed them and forced me to go see them Quack Jobs prescribing me Ritalin and other medications for ADHA & Bipolar. I hated taking them pills and my Mom would force me to take them. That really made me feel like my Mom didn’t like me as I was and didn’t want to be around me unless I was zombified off pills.
Now lastly is probably the most devastating pain I went through. At 10 years old my Grandpa Mack overdosed on Cocaine and passed away. This is the man I idolized the most. I wanted to be just like him. Once again, my Mom lied to me about how he died. Not lied, but didn’t tell me his heart attack was cocaine-induced. So I was totally wiped out now. My Superhero kicked the bucket on me. I was always told by my family that I act just like him and was still told that after he passed.
Well, for a few years after him dying I was still under the impression of him dying of a heart attack until I was being nosey and digging through some of my Dad’s paperwork. I came across his death certificate and read the cause of death, Acute Cocaine abuse/Cardiac arrest. I’m a teenager now and a complete 360-degree turnaround took place in my life.
So these are some of the events in my life or childhood that impacted me the most. Which started my thinking errors and affected me and everyone in my life. This is only my childhood <i>Part 1</i> of Challenge One. Part 2, my teenage years is in the works.
I hope y’all enjoy my story and testimony. I was a real hellion, trust me. This is only some of the madness LOL…
Any questions or concerns, feel free to write me. Thanks for reading my journey.
Stay focused & Do The Work!
– J-Mack –
Write to me with any comments:
James Mack A732-386
P.O. Box 45699
Lucasville, OH 45699
