STOP: Don’t Kill Yourself & Don’t Hurt Others

 

STOP: Don’t Kill Yourself & Don’t Hurt Others

A Suicide, Mental Health, & Addiction Journey                           (Download a free PDF of this article) 

PART I – THE INTRODUCTION

If you could save a life or protect someone from being hurt, would you do it? I’ll pull your card; let’s see what you’ve got. If it was easy everyone would do it. These problems exist all around us, so it must be pretty hard to do. Easier said than done type shit, huh? Reading this makes you a part of the solution. Doing nothing is a problem; doing nothing is advocacy. Stop advocating suicide, poor mental health, and addiction.

Since we’re about to go on a personal journey together, you just go ahead and call me Bad Boy Mike. It’s the first nickname I’ve ever embraced and I’m real proud to associate myself with it. After you read this, you’ll see why. I’m about to break down some of my past struggles with mental health, suicide, and addiction. We’re going so deep I’ll even be breaking down the very name my parents gave me.

September is S P A M: Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. Back in May, Mental Health Awareness Month, I promised to dive deeper into what exactly “asking for help” looks like. Well, I can’t imagine a better time to make good on that promise than right now. There’s been a lot of focus on mental health issues and suicide lately. Let’s zoom in and get a real good look at them. Get comfortable and hell, even grab some popcorn because I’m going to highlight the need for fast, effective help. And you’re going to see the benefits of having solid preventive measures in place to combat suicide and violence towards others as well.

Suicide, Mental health, and Addiction share similar struggles. The following information equally applies to all three. Moving forward, we’re going to focus on suicide. Understand that any one of these problems alone can be devastating, but all too often they’re entangled together.

Easy access to immediate help continues to be a hard problem to solve and prevention is easily ignored. Being aware of the emotional journey involved with the process of suicide and all it encompasses, will hopefully aid in solving these problems. Suicidal thoughts and feelings generate destructive and deadly acts. The consequences from ignoring prevention truly suck. If you’ve been affected by poor mental health, the loss of a loved one to suicide or are currently battling thoughts yourself, you already know this all too well. Just know you’re not alone. I’m here.

In dealing with mental health issues, addiction, or suicidal thoughts you always hear people give this advice: “Please ask for or get help.” I’ve both received and given that same advice. It’s good advice and better than doing nothing. How effective is that advice alone? Does the help come fast enough or aid in prevention? There’s the possibility that when the person in need is seeking “that help,” it might be hard to find. As easy as asking for or getting help sounds, when you’re in the middle of battling the suicidal process, it’s hard to do easy.

Finding a healthy someone, something, or platform that allows you to honestly express your pain on or with is paramount when it comes to finding help. That needs to happen immediately. The thoughts, feelings, and actions driven by suicide are predictably unpredictable. You need to make a connection that’ll help keep you grounded if you’re suffering. That immediate connection will help pull you out of your inner thoughts and into the present moments of reality.

Often, our inner thoughts are much more difficult to deal with than the actual problems we have in reality that we’re trying to solve. Someone who can understand and relate to the disconnect you’re experiencing will help put you at ease. It’ll make the challenging conversations you’ll undergo feel more “normal.” There’s just something about interaction with another human being that’s experienced “the struggle” that makes the pain manageable in those moments. If they’re managing their issues, I can too type shit.

Unfortunately, scheduling an appointment with a professional takes time and can be expensive. Even if help is found and paid for, it still might be difficult to establish a connection that motivates you to open up and make use of getting it. That’s just a sad fact. Help is not a cure, it’s an opportunity. You have to want and apply it.

Some people may not qualify for or be able to afford “proper professional help.” Those who don’t or can’t usually turn elsewhere to numb their pain. Don’t do that, stop it. There’s help out there that you’ll connect with. You just have to do the work to find it. Do that when you’re healthy.

That’s prevention and the mindset we need to adapt. It’s the first step in disrupting the suicidal process. After the fact is too late. Before the fact, you don’t even know what you don’t know yet. All you “do” know is you’re having problems, and everybody has those. No big deal. You even go to the beach to get away from it all. No plans on going swimming. The next thing you know, you’re swimming in suicide sea. You want the beach and you’re looking for it, but you’re lost. The only direction you know is down. That’s an easy direction to go in. Hello gravity.

Throughout this writing, I’ll share some things I’ve done that have both hurt and helped me. I don’t think any one person has all the answers; nor should you depend on just one person alone to help you navigate difficult waters if you’re the one who’s lost. That can lead to an entirely new set of emotional challenges to navigate through, like toxic relationships for example.

It’s likely you’re extremely vulnerable and some people will take advantage of that vulnerability by using it for their personal gain. Plus, it’s simply not fair to put your emotional health responsibilities on just one person. Anyone carrying any amount of weight for a long distance or time, will definitely need a break.

Suicide hotlines have people who are there for crisis intervention and encourage the caller to seek the next level of help. They’re knowledgeable and care. Everyone who’s ever struggled with suicidal thoughts, acts, or attempts should have that phone number programmed into their cell phone. Create a “special” contact name to store the number under if you’re worried about privacy or anyone seeing your contacts.

PART II – THE PROCESS

When the sun has set and you’re not at the beach anymore you’ll get tired of the pain, lose motivation to continue numbing it, and all desire and hope for life has set with the sun.

I haven’t experienced a suicidal thought since the end of 2011. That’s a fact I’m extremely relieved to share. Suicidal thoughts are more commonplace than you would imagine. If you’re experiencing them, you’re not alone or abnormal. Considering suicide as a solution to or escape from your problems is a tormenting process. It’s exhausting. The constant thoughts torture your soul to the point of relief once you’ve decided to “do it.” You actually become happy, at peace, and/or excited the moment you’ve made the “internal” choice to take your own life.

Here’s an example to help better explain those feelings. Vision yourself struggling with financial problems for 2 long, painful years and all of a sudden you win the lottery. All those financial problems just disappear. Can you imagine how you would feel or act? Well, it’s not too far off that someone who’s made the internal decision to take their own life will act in a similar manner. They’ll try to mask their “newfound” outlook on life so they don’t have to explain the complete attitude turn around to their loved ones.

I’ll expand more on this because it’s important. A lot of opportunities to intervene or help are missed at this point. I can’t speak for others, but for me there was a period of time between the “internal decision” and the “external act/attempt.” That gap of time between the internal and external decision-making process is the critical time to intervene if you’re considering confronting a loved-one you’re concerned about.

The “inside” decision allows you to temporarily escape your pain because you’re telling yourself you’ve found the solution to end it. The “outside” decision is the actual act of suicide and a much harder decision to make. You’ll struggle committing to that act and be forced back inside of yourself. The temporary escape from the pain is gone and the cycle continues. The pain increases because now you’re judging yourself as weak or not having any guts.

That added negativity projects itself onto all of the existing problems that started the cycle in the first place. It multiplies and compounds the internal battle. This is the point the internal battle will explode or seep out of the person suffering. It most likely will become visible to others. Sufferers become pretty good at masking what’s really going on internally, keep that in mind. If you’re functioning, but your demons are driving your emotions, you’re one hell of a masker. I know all too well how hard wearing that mask is.

It can be hard to see the warning signs if the person suffering doesn’t want you to. Remember this, it’s better to intervene and be wrong versus being afraid to upset someone and be right. This may sound crass, but it’s better to be pissed off than pissed on!

Sometimes while battling with myself about committing to the act, my thoughts, feelings, and displayed actions were the exact opposite of what I just shared. Externally I was depressed and struggled with normal activities. My pain was visible. Internally I was happy, at peace, and/or excited about the thought of escaping my pain but wasn’t able to show it. Like I’ve found the solution, but now I have to figure out how I’ll “do it” and when. That battle can explode, seep out, or become visible too. The same dangers of “masking” and knowing whether to intervene or not are involved as well.

I know, I know, but I wasn’t lying when I said it’s exhausting. Hang in there. If you’re still reading this, then you’re most likely someone or know someone who’s suffering. You’ve experienced or seen this. This is just another layer of support to empower you to take action and seek effective help or intervene. You deserve to be emotionally healthy and you’re responsible for achieving just that.

Here’s some behaviors to look for based on my personal experiences. Someone who’s been quiet for a period of time, then all of a sudden very hyper and talkative or vice versa. Reaching out suddenly to handle unattended business or situations involving others. Trying to resolve a negative with a loved one in order to leave behind a positive impression of themselves. It’s a way to reduce the guilt for what they’re about to do.

Unfounded anger, withdrawn attitudes, epiphanies, delusional takes on reality, uncharacteristic violence, and drug use are common actions I’ve displayed prior to suicidal acts or attempts. If the actions you’re witnessing don’t fit that person’s character, they simply don’t fit, period. That’s a warning sign.

PART III – SUICIDE ISN’T “JUST ONE PERSON” OR “JUST ONE ACT”

I’m going to speak on the act of violence towards others as well as suicide. All too often this happens simultaneously or in place of killing yourself. We’ve all seen examples of this in the news, like the Texas school shooting where 21 lives were taken: 19 kids and 2 adults, absolutely horrible. Those are the acts that transpire when an individual’s internal battle with themselves has ended, and the external choice has been made and committed to. The destruction explodes outward into society. Others are left to bear the weight of those mind-boggling acts.

Society tries to take on the responsibility of preventing those acts from ever being repeated. That’s all in good; there’s a lot we can do, but first, it’s the person who commits those atrocities responsibility to prevent themselves from hurting others when they’re suffering. Second, we need to be aware of the warning signs so we can intervene. Warning signs are evident in most of these types of crimes committed. Sadly, it’s much easier to determine that after the fact. It’s difficult to see them in real time and intervene correctly to prevent bad shit from happening. That doesn’t mean we give up!

Suicide or a suicidal act doesn’t necessarily mean just one act that’ll end with the death of that one person who commits it. It can be a process of many destructive behaviors that can affect many. More often than not, it ends with another person being hurt, injured, or killed. You might enter a situation that you think will end in your death, but you’re not really in control once you’ve disconnected from reality. This might be hard to read, but it’s true. Killing yourself isn’t a reality-based solution. There’s a process you undergo, or better yet, an altered reality you feed yourself in order to accept the outcome of your choice.

Whatever challenges come at you in that state, you won’t perceive them for what they really are. You’ll perceive them as an outlet or opportunity to “act on” your commitment to “the choice.” It’s a cowardly mindset. I’ve made the choice to die, but I can’t pull the trigger. If you hurt me in any way or just pissed me off, I’ll hurt you instead. In this situation consequences become irrelevant because death has already been internally accepted.

Basically, what I mean is when “life” is happening during those moments of a “disconnect”, you perceive the challenges that life presents differently. You might think you’re reacting to a situation in a way that warrants your actions, but you’re truly just trying to hurt yourself. Other people get hurt because you’re telling yourself they’re causing your pain. You blame them and react. Like I said, it’s hard to admit or read, but a cold hard truth that takes place many times over. If the destructive act doesn’t fit the person’s character, in my opinion, that’s a suicidal act or the start of the decision-making process at least.

Someone who wants to die can be dangerous. They’re more likely to hurt someone else before they’ll hurt themselves. This isn’t always the case, just be aware of the possibility. I’m just trying to open your mind to view suicide as a process instead of a single act.

Anyone who’s swam in suicide sea will relate to fighting all those waves before surrendering to the water. They’ve accepted the ultimate consequence even though they might not be capable of committing the act themselves. That only fuels more anger within that person. That anger fuels destruction. That destruction will be directed somewhere, in some way.

How do you know when someone wants to die? When that person’s actions prove they’re not trying to live. Leaving behind healthy choices for new dangerous ones. Not caring anymore. Making excuses for everything they’re doing destructive. They seem to just exist until someone or something else kills them.

These are just some examples that can be a part of the process, not just one act and done. These are usually accompanied by life changes in one’s life or problems starting to stack up without any effort to solve them. Keep in mind, we all have “moods” and can display these actions in normal everyday life. Just because they’re visible doesn’t mean you have a suicidal situation. Consider what’s going on around that person and don’t be afraid to ask questions.

There might be some people out there that don’t desire death or think of suicide as a solution to problems. Their lifestyles are just: selfish, self-serving, volatile, risky, destructive, and unhealthy.

Mental health issues and addiction are absolutely evident on top of all that. If you’re “that person” you have the right to choose or accept that lifestyle for yourself as long as no one else is dependent on you to “not” live that life. More important yet, you’re not hurting anyone physically, mentally, emotionally, or breaking the law. If you’re able to achieve that, no one has any right to say shit to you, period. I wasn’t fortunate enough to juggle all those talents without dropping one of them on someone’s head.

When I say I haven’t had a suicidal thought since the end of 2011, it’s true. I haven’t wanted to die as a solution to any problems, escape the pain that’s born from poor decisions, or associated with any mental health issues. Looking back to the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012, I still engaged in suicidal acts though. I had created a pattern of dealing with problems that only created new ones and I didn’t know how to break that pattern. I didn’t think of suicide as a solution, but that doesn’t mean my mindset and actions followed suit in my decision-making process or emotional state.

Wow, I can’t believe I’m able to formulate the words to express all this. My life is so different; I’m so different. I just can’t believe it. Keep in mind, I had zero understanding of any of this back then. It’s taken a lot of reflection and honesty to learn this. I have to say to all the people I’ve hurt in the past, especially my kids and parents: “I wish I could have learned all this without it having to be at your expense.” Sadly, my education came a little too late. The destruction already happened. I’m going to take a break for now and continue later. I’ll close out with the following paragraph.

Thank you for reading about suicide. I hope we can help prevent someone from harming themselves or someone they love. Don’t be afraid to speak up, ask questions, or share this with someone you think may benefit. If you don’t and bad shit happens, the guilt you’ll carry will be a heavy burden. The same is true if you know you need help and don’t seek it. Be healthy, do the work!

(Pause)

I’m back. After re-reading the previous two paragraphs that I wrote last night, I was going to exclude them because I didn’t want this writing to be totally about me personally. I just wanted to use my personal experiences to help others gain a better understanding of suicide. I decided to leave it. I think it truly reflects the difference in the mindset of where I was and where I’m at today. I hope others can relate to the night and day differences they’ve made and join me in helping prevent the devastation caused by suicidal thoughts, feelings, and actions.

I’ll continue on with not having a suicidal thought since the end of 2011, but realizing I still continued suicidal behaviors up to the time of my arrest in early 2012. My actions continued to follow some of the patterns I describe throughout this writing even though I no longer wanted to die. I refused to view death as an option, escape, or a solution to anything. I knew the way I was living wasn’t right or working for me, but I couldn’t change the direction. The pain and demons were very much alive inside of me still.

PART IV – WHAT’S THIS PAIN? WHAT’S HELP LOOK LIKE?

What’s this pain I keep referencing? Great question. It’s an emptiness inside of you that manifests itself into actual physical feelings. You blame yourself for it. A pit in your stomach. A lump in your throat. Something is missing and you just can’t figure it out. You’re never present in the moment, and you don’t know why. A frustrating, constant disconnect that leaves you feeling alone, less than, and lost.

Looking for help and what that looks like. Okay then, hold on tight. Grab a drink and refill that popcorn bowl because we’re going for a ride here. We might even wander down some bunny trails and into a rabbit hole or two.

For me, help was almost a gallon of Captain Morgan’s spiced rum daily, and a combination of my prescribed medications, maximum dosages on most. Meds included: Adderall, Xanax, Ambien, Lamictal, sera quill, Vicodin, Percocet, Vistaril, and maybe one or two others. Include some cocaine use and anabolic steroid abuse on top of all that. These ARE NOT excuses, simply the only help I could afford. Well, that’s the excuse I told myself back then.

Life changing events can trigger the process of suicide. Especially if someone is having a hard time adapting to that change. For me it was a divorce and living without my kids in my life. I wasn’t a heavy drinker; nor did I use drugs prior to this period in my life. I was prescribed half of those meds after my 2011 attempt and wasn’t taking them properly. Steroids were described as something that would give me energy and help stabilize my moods. Cocaine came along with some other bad decisions I had made during that time. Remove the thought or acceptance of death as a desire or solution but continue all these behaviors to help numb your pain. Doesn’t, didn’t, and won’t work I promise you!

In reality, people who are suffering will turn to quick fixes as an escape from the pain, I did. Thrill seeking, cutting, burning, alcohol & drug abuse, gambling, taking unnecessary risks, toxic relationships, and people who will tolerate your behaviors can all be used as outlets. Not healthy options to seek help from. Unfortunately, they’re easily accessible and more sufferers turn to these outlets versus finding the proper help they need.

I touched earlier on the fact that you may not qualify for or be able to afford “proper professional help.” Look, if you don’t have insurance or money you’re screwed when it comes to professional help, period. There’re some “new age” type resources becoming more readily available where insurance or cost may not be involved, but I can’t help you there. Don’t get me wrong, solving this problem has become a passion of mine and my goal is to provide exactly that kind of help. Free, fast connections. Therapy groups 24/7/365 type shit. I’ve been locked up almost eleven years now and “that” didn’t exist when I was out there.

Then, a trip to the emergency room or jail was free. I’ll elaborate. You’d get 5150’d by the police, a family member, called 911 yourself, or you went to the hospital’s emergency room to seek mental health services or help. Whatever trip you take, if you remotely speak of “feeling a little off” you’re going straight into a turtle suit, stripped of all your belongings, communications, and thrown into a cold ass concrete box were all the edges are rounded off. Staff members will stop by your box every 15 minutes to see if you’ve somehow hung yourself with the turtle suit.

Whenever you ask a question, the answer will be: “I don’t know, you gotta talk to the doc.” That’s if you’re lucky enough to get a response. Sometimes you’ll be under “constant watch.” That’s when a staff member constantly watches your every move. Just know the doc needs to talk to you before you’re given any clothes and the docs out golfing and won’t be able to see you until Monday.

If they’re on call at the hospital and you’re in the turtle suit, you’re not considered life threatening at that point, just contained. Those 18 holes will get finished. See you when I see you type shit. I think they have 72 hours to get to you, maybe 24 or 48. I can’t remember. I do remember that if you’re not hanging, bleeding, or able to cause harm to anyone else you’re not a priority.

In prison, I won’t even go there.

A turtle suit is a padded front and back. It’s held together by very short straps and only covers your upper torso and baby makers. When you’re in it you look like you’re wearing a turtle shell. Umpires in baseball wear protective gear when they’re behind the catchers. A turtle suit looks just like that, but a little longer. It also covers your backside.

The personnel, staffers, or employees who work in those emergency rooms and jails are overworked and whelmed. Their main priority is to prevent you from killing yourself or hurting others so they’re doing their jobs. Mental health issues are so common in those settings the staff members become desensitized to suicidal situations.

Technically, they’re not the doc and there’s not much they can do. Hopefully you’re not arriving on a busy night or day, you just might get some toilet paper then. They’re not responsible for you being there and I find no fault in them for keeping the “machine” running. It’s cheaper to staff worker bees than doctors so yeah, you’re still waiting. A hospital or jail can’t schedule or staff around personal meltdowns so be prepared to suffer a while longer when seeking this “type” help.

The next step will be a short, short term inpatient setting or room where you’ll be staying with other meltdowns if you chose the hospital’s help. You’ll talk to the other meltdowns briefly and the hospital will log that as “group therapy.” Then the doc will ask you if you’re feeling well enough to leave and take another crack at life. Their priority is to cover their asses before they kick your ass right back out onto the street.

That being said, you’ll leave with an anxiety prescription and a follow up referral in hand. When you call that referral, you’ll find there’s a wait for an appointment because that referral was the other doc’s golf partner. Now they’re on vacation and golfing all week long. Somewhere in the conversation with the empathetic appointment scheduler, insurance will come up. The wait just got longer because now you’ll be scheduled an appointment after all the meltdowns that pay for their appointments.

The good news is that you’ll get an appointment. At least one. That’s due to the fact that they’re required to see you if you’ve been referred by another doctor, setting, or from the help you’ve previously sought. By the time that appointment comes you’ll find yourself sitting in a prison cell, after spending 2 months in the county jail, serving 2 years for 2 counts of a drug induced stupor that landed you in a couple of violent situations.

It really won’t matter how it all happened because you were drunk as hell escaping your pain and don’t remember shit. That brings me right back to the other option of free help available. Neither the hospital nor the jail is really free, but I’m saving that part. Free, yeah right!

If you chose the jail option earlier, then you’re still in the turtle suit. The jail doc may deem you “not a threat” and you’ll get the standard jail issued clothes. Then off you go to general population. You’ll be there until the judge agrees with the doc and signs your release papers. While you’re waiting a couple of days, you’ll be surrounded by people asking you every question you possibly could ever think of. You’ll wish “they” only came by every 15 minutes, but you’re stuck with them all the time.

Totally different type of constant watch. Don’t show what you really feel like inside, they’ll smell that shit like a freshly grilled steak in the middle of a rice factory and eat you alive. You better get that mask on. If you’re hoping they’ll kill you, they won’t. More likely that they’ll just try to take advantage of you to death.

You’re getting out now and can’t wait to get back to a more comfortable setting and start the suicidal process all over again. You arrive home to see an eviction notice pinned to your door. Comfortable? Home sweet home.

Now you’re on probation or parole and have an entirely new set of problems. By the way, you’re another $2,000.00 dollars in debt, at a minimum, due to all your court costs and fees. Not to mention the hospital and doctor bills piling up. You’ve been fired from your job shoveling shit because apparently, you’re not even qualified to do that.

Don’t worry though, you never paid your bills before, and you won’t pay these either. Your credit will always suck and in 6 months you’ll have another warrant for your arrest for unpaid fines. You’re good, you know exactly what to expect. If you get really lucky, just maybe you’ll get a job as a caddy at that golf course, and you can ask those docs for some advice on how to feel good about yourself while you’re trying to pay all your bills with the fucked-up tip they’re about to give you because they think you’re weird.

The doc asked for his 9-iron, and you accidentally pulled out the 9 mm Glock from your waist belt. It’s not your fault. You’ve become obsessed with your 9-iron, the one you know all too well lately. How else should you do the deed, pills? Hell, you gotta mask up and rob all these golfers when you get off work anyway. Gotta pay rent somehow because you drank up your last paycheck and are definitely buying drugs with this next one. Eviction is another process so fuck it; you’ll be dead by then anyway. The landlord can kiss your ass too!

Okay, that’s what help looks like when you need it the most and can’t afford proper professional help.

Pretty much everyone in your life has grown tired of your shit long ago and they’re done giving you advice. Nobody wants to loan you $10,000 dollars to check yourself into a rehab or behavior health facility. Rehab most likely won’t solve all your problems in this situation anyway, but it’ll help buy you some time to come up with a plan.

Financial issues usually are the highest priority for anyone regrouping, so you’ll probably plan to address that challenge first. Do you even have a car or driver’s license to get yourself to work if you happen to pass the piss test and get a job interview?

Since you’re surrounded by drug addicts, you’ll probably come up with a brilliant plan to call your drug dealer and get drugs fronted to you so you can sell them to the very people you’re in therapy with. That plan will go to shit as well. You’ll take all the drugs yourself, overdose, and be right back in the same hospital setting you just left. You’ll be waiting on the same docs’ you previously robbed, and they’ll still think you’re weird.

Add this to your stack of problems. Mom’s sick to her stomach, disappointed, and even more pissed off at you now because you just wasted $10,000 dollars on rehab. Also, there’s an angry drug dealer on your ass too. You’ve been celebrating all of your recent successes lately and forgot about paying for those drugs you overdosed on. Who are you going to turn to for help now Einstein? Nobody wants you around them. Any friends you have left don’t want shot at when the drug dealer rolls up on you for some “get back.”

You have nowhere to go, no one to turn to.

The disconnect from reality hasn’t even kicked in yet, so you’re really having to experience all this for what it truly is. You’re making dumb ass decisions because you’re desperate and alone. You think you have all the answers, but you truly don’t know shit about getting effective help. Everyone who loves and cares about you is telling you (over the telephone because they can’t risk having you around them) to get a job, get some help, and you’ll eventually become just like them. How true you wish that was. You’ve spent years not wanting to be anything like your parents, but now you’d cut both your legs off just to be a little bit of a fraction like them.

Get this though, you still won’t take their advice. You’re smarter than them and they don’t understand what you’re going through. That’s just another lie you’ll tell yourself. Oh, I forgot to tell you that you’ve become a professional liar, and no one trusts you, including yourself. The guilt you’ll bear for being you is heavy and tiring. It’ll become palpable. The shamefulness will seep out of you. It permeates from your pores.

Your parents will be there, brokenhearted, to pick up all the broken little pieces of your life and bury you if you commit suicide. Just know you’ve solved nothing and passed all your problems off to the people you love the most.

If you’re lucky, someone or something will intervene, and you’ll end up in prison. Your parents will come visit you religiously. You’ll see how right they were and how wrong you were. You’ll start writing, share your journey, and hopefully help other people as a way to right your wrongs, if you’re lucky!

In my case, consequences intervened and I’m very much alive and healthy. If I had the education then that I have now, I would have implemented my action plan (I’ll share that later) and arranged to have been committed to a facility that offered the detailed help I needed.

Thanks for taking that ride. More like bearing with me through it. Definitely some bunny trails and rabbit holes here and there. We made it back though, and you can too. Now I’ll start tying all this together and following up on a few points I started, but never finished.

PART V – WHAT’S A DISCONNECT? HOW CAN YOU RECONNECT?

I’ve used the word disconnect several times. Before I touch on what helped me to overcome suicidal thoughts and acts, I want to share one of my last attempts with you. I hope this demonstrates what a disconnect looks like.

I’d put my kids first in almost everything I did prior to the disconnect I experienced in March of 2011. This was out of character for me and it’s hard to share, but important.

During that time in my life, my thinking was that I would be making my kids happy by killing myself. That I would be dying for them. I had truly committed to the act and drove myself to the very hospital both my kids were born at because I wanted to die where they were born. I felt it would hold some significant meaning for them. Maybe help them accept why, and understand I was doing it for them.

I parked in the emergency room parking garage so I would blend in better and not stand out while I sat in my van waiting for the deed to happen. I had taken a full script of Adderall along with God knows what else. Absolutely nothing about my thinking or actions would have made my kids happy, but it took some time for me to see that.

Nothing I did that entire year made any sense; nor was it my normal forte. All the warning signs we’re covering, can associate with a disconnect. If you’re not sure what you’re experiencing, assume the worst until you prove otherwise.

In a disconnect those thoughts are real. There’s no way you could have told me any different then. In reality my actions were completely selfish and thoughtless of my kids. I never wanted to hurt them. My view of reality back then wasn’t real. They wouldn’t have been happy had I succeeded in my attempt. They would’ve always had questions and I’d been passing my pain off to them to bear. That’s not right or fair. It’s my responsibility to avoid that from ever happening again. That’s only one example of what a disconnect can look like and the thinking associated with it.

Suicide is a process. Disconnects are a part of that process. Pain is present in some form. Look up the risk factors that were involved for people who’ve committed suicide. Most, if not all mental health conditions or issues elevate risk factors for people suffering. Drug and alcohol use surely increases risk. Depression, hell yeah. It’s hard to deal with life issues when you’re comatose in a bed that you’re fully capable of getting out of, but you just can’t. Suicide becomes a desirable solution once you’ve lost hope.

Several events took place in my life that helped me reconnect and leave the suicidal thoughts and acts behind me. Some were forced, like prison. Others happened automatically. I’ll touch briefly on some of those motivating factors.

My love for and responsibility to my kids naturally became my priority again. When I took the option of death off the table, things slowly began to come back around. I started to feel normal again. Even though I’m locked up, I’m still my kids’ Dad. Regardless of the damage I’ve done in our relationships, I want to be the best dad I can be for them. I want to live for them and myself. They deserve my best and I owe them that at a minimum.

     MINDSET: Living at this low point in my life with suicide no longer being an option, my internal mantra became: “It’s all uphill from here.” That attitude shift ushered in a completely different mindset that was crucial in changing the way I was thinking and decision making. I wanted to prove that I could turn things around and show everybody my true potential. I had a newfound purpose and I needed that. Finding a purpose lights a fire within you. I still wasn’t making all the right choices, but the suicidal acts were gone and the destructive behaviors were in remission. The more time I spent in prison, the more clarity I gained on why I made those choices and began corrections.

     INFLUENCES: Coming to prison was a costly gift, but a gift nonetheless. Like hitting a reset button. I had an entirely new set of circumstances to worry about facing and I took those head on. My new environment came with a new set of influences and situations.
My reactions to those allowed me to experience some “success” as well as boost my confidence. Negativity thrives in prison. It thrived in me back then and I naturally adapted to prison. Adaptation was a critical skill I needed and it serves a useful purpose.

The “struggle” to deal with my previous responsibilities had disappeared. I didn’t have to worry about money or housing anymore. All of the problems associated with those two factors alone had been the bullseye of my focal point for so long. All the excuses I was making in the name of survival were no longer valid—they never held any validity anyways. The failures that resulted from me living life with a freestyle mindset and approach to problem solving evaporated as well. I was 38 years old and practice was over. It was game time.

     KNOWLEDGE: I wanted to educate myself about mental health conditions. I needed to understand why I was “that person.” I hadn’t had such strong tendencies towards suicide prior to then. Disconnects were something I had experienced before, but never violent acts. Destructive behaviors took on a completely different meaning during that period.

So, the why and what became real important to me. I had to honestly identity what actions were part of my character and what actions may had been influenced by my condition or the circumstances I was facing then. I had to find a way to apply this knowledge to prevent repeating past behaviors, actions, and decisions. I needed an action plan to implement when “things” became difficult to navigate. I never want to experience anything like that time in my life again.

     EXPERIENCES: Prison was a forced redirection of my life or intervention. An opportunity to regroup and become mentally healthy. I’ve been able to prove that I’m a good person that deserves life and freedom from self-torment. Nothing is forced about the direction my life is taking today. It’s a choice, a passion.

The feelings that compel my thinking and actions are a complete transformation from that dark place I was living in back in 2010–2012. I want to be clear. Prison alone isn’t responsible for me being able to leave that darkness behind me. It’s taken a lot of work, time, and a hell of a process to get where I’m at. It seems the process is always processing too. That’s a good thing; it allows growth.

Desire, compassion, hope, empathy, inspiration, love, and accountability are feelings I get to experience today. Don’t get it wrong, I still experience the: guilt, depression, self-doubt, anger, dislike, negativity, frustration, and all the other feelings that drove my destructive thinking; I’m just more connected to life’s problems and they’ve become manageable now. I have a strong sense of accountability and responsibility. The same process I underwent to gain this understanding is the same process I use to problem solve. It’s all interconnected.

                    Remember:

                    B A D = Behaviors, Actions, Decisions

                    B O Y = Because Of Yourself

                    M I K E = Mindset, Influences, Knowledge, Experience

Everything you like or dislike about your life is because of yourself. If you want a different outcome—you can have whatever you want—you just gotta do the work to get it!

Those were some of the changes that took place with me. Absolutely without a doubt, anyone who isn’t having success dealing with any part of suicide and all it encompasses, needs to be removed from the setting they’re in. They need put into a setting that will provide similar freedoms that I’ve gained from being put in prison.

Remove them from the challenges they’re currently struggling with. If they’re making progress and achieving positive results from their efforts to become mentally healthy where they’re at, fucking awesome, stay the course. If they’re just existing and no changes are taking place, then changes need to take place. That’s a fact. To stand by and do nothing, whether you’re the one that needs help or trying to intervene, is advocating poor mental health, suicidal acts, negativity, and destructive behaviors. You’re either part of the problem or you’re part of the solution. If you’re doing nothing, doing nothing is advocacy.

PART VI – ACTION PLAN

     Warning: You might find some of the content in this segment repetitive. I’ve done my best to minimize that, but I simply cannot not write what I’m compelled to write. At least when it comes to these subjects. The repetition might help plant a seed that’ll save a life. It’s really not that bad, but I do go on ad nauseum on a couple of points like I’m doing right now.

What is an action plan? An action plan is a prearranged set of preventative measures or an intervention that gets activated in order to protect the person at risk or anyone they might hurt physically, mentally, or emotionally at any point during the suicidal process.

It’s created and agreed upon when everyone involved is happy, healthy, or able to clearly understand the consequences of not having one. It’s a safeguard or insurance policy against destructive behaviors. If you can, involve a mental health professional at some level. Whether they’re a part of creating it or not, they should be made aware of its existence and allow them an opportunity to review and weigh in on it. If you can’t afford a professional, it’s okay. Be creative and adapt.

How can you be assured that having an action plan will help? You can’t, but if you don’t have a plan, you don’t have shit. End of story. The person whom the action plan is being created for will know better than anyone what they struggle with and what help they’ll need. By them taking part in creating it themselves, that process removes all the bullshit excuses they’ll give you at the time of execution of said plan. Hold them accountable for following their plan or else: “hello turtle suit.” Be willing to take drastic measures. Stick to the script!

How exactly do you create one? An action plan is something I’ve created on my own. I don’t really have anything to reference or suggest you look up. I’ve never had a professional suggest any such plan or run across one while doing research or educating myself. I’m sure similar plans are available, but I can only share what I’ve done.

By looking backwards at what I could’ve done differently to prevent hurting myself and others, I realized the benefit of having preventative measures all planned out ahead of time. Consider listing a set of goals you want to achieve while you’re in need. Prioritize what goals need to be accomplished first in order to provide stability and allow you to focus on getting healthy.

There must be someone else involved to help you stay on course. You must trust this person to make difficult decisions for you if you’re unable to think clearly.

It’s no different than planning a wedding, prenuptial agreement, honeymoon, vacation, or anything else in your life. It takes time, effort, research, honesty, along with a total commitment. Consider it a vow or a marriage to your mental health and safety. A life insurance policy for everyone you love.

Create a plan that is realistic for your life and situation. If you’re broke and don’t have insurance, don’t plan on going to an inpatient behavioral health facility to seek the help of a psychologist unless it’s free.

Actually, do the research and find out what facility will admit you and under what terms. Confirm you meet the terms or requirements before you use that resource as part of your action plan. You don’t need to be figuring all this out in the middle of a crisis. If you can’t find a facility that’ll work with you, you better find a safe environment that’ll work for you. I’ll stress again, have someone you trust help you follow the plan.

Here’s some questions to consider when creating your plan. Do you have insurance? Does it provide 100% coverage? Do you qualify for or meet the criteria to connect with any resources that’ll help cover any remaining costs? Can you afford to pay a professional on your own? Will anyone lend you the money to admit yourself into an inpatient behavioral health facility? Does the facility you’re planning to use have medical oversight for withdrawal or other substance abuse issues? Do you need to address those issues separately?

You already know the result of my failure to have preventative measures in place. If you know you’re at risk, you must have an action plan in place ahead of time. I’m going to include some examples of my failures in these “main factors to consider” that I’m about to list. I hope my examples help highlight the importance of having an action plan.

These are some main factors to consider when creating your plan:

     • Housing: You’ll need a safe place to stay. Your living situation must support your goals.

     • Bad Mike: I had zero goals because I didn’t even know what I didn’t know back then. I certainly never thought to change my living situation. Not thinking about having a “safe house” or place arranged to temporarily relocate to was a huge mistake. My housing situation was intertwined with the relationship I was struggling with. I had no room to rest, take a breath, or look at the relationship clearly. I did have other places to go and live, but I didn’t do it. Had I done that, I wouldn’t of acted out violently and hurt someone I loved.

     • Separation: Separate yourself from any current challenges. Whatever or whoever you’re struggling with, please separate yourself from that set of circumstances.

     • Bad Mike: My failure to do exactly that was one of the main factors that led to me committing my crime. A toxic relationship can become an addiction or dependency that we create to “distract” ourselves from the truth that we need help. In my situation, I blamed my girlfriend for a lot of my pain while simultaneously looking to her to take it away or numb it. I became dependent on her to make me feel “normal.” It’s impossible for anyone to provide that kind of help. To even expect someone to try is an unhealthy approach. It was completely unfair for me to put that responsibility on her. Looking back, all I was doing was taking her into my darkness with me so I wouldn’t be alone.

     • Removal: Remove anything or one that threatens the success of your plan or distracts you from fully implementing your plan.

     • Alcohol & Drugs: If you’re an addict you may need to choose the emergency room route first. You’ll need that medical oversight during withdrawal. You can’t continue using while trying to get healthy. If you don’t believe me and you’re lucky enough to end up in prison after you “crash out”, I’ll be more than happy to tell you: “I told you so!”

     • Bad Mike: During my 2-year mental health meltdown, I abused alcohol and drugs. I looked for that escape and found it was a black hole. Once you enter, you’re never getting out. Your only hope in preventing yourself from being sucked-in is to have an action plan. Now act. Consider going to rehab as the 1st step of your plan.

     • Communication: Employer, kids, family. Anyone that’s dependent on you for any reason. If they’re not aware of your plan ahead of time, have your “advocate” make the calls necessary and properly explain your absence. Any explanations should be delivered in an age and audience appropriate manner.

     • Research: Doing research as part of your plan development is critical. Research, education, and knowing how to apply it to your personal lifestyle is all part of prevention. Prevention is action. It’s overwhelming enough to do all the research and create a plan when you’re healthy. In the battle you’re not thinking prevention, you’re thinking destruction. You’re going to find prevention difficult to do “in the moment” when you’re not thinking clearly and you’re having to fight all the waves crashing down on you.

     • Bad Mike: I didn’t have insurance and I had no idea about how the process would’ve gone if I had sought help back then. The liquor store and home; I knew both very well.

     • Resources: Have information available about any resources that may assist in the successful implementation of your plan. More important, know what resources are immediately available if things don’t go as planned. All contact information should be on hand or easily accessible at all times.

     • Fear: Don’t be afraid to take drastic measures to prevent destruction. Stay the course even if that means changing course. Prevention is help. Turtle suits are there for a reason and as much as I dislike them, they do serve a purpose. I’ve never met a turtle suit that’s harmed anyone.

     • Bad Mike: Fear of loss. I hated everything about my life during that period, but it was mine; I didn’t want to let it go. I was afraid of the emotional unknown. The pain hurts, but you get used to it, sadly. I was stuck in a whirlwind as my routine and I felt I could control it.

Asking for help was a loss of control and that scared the shit out of me for two main reasons. First, I didn’t know if anyone would help me and I was afraid of hearing: “no.”

Second, I didn’t think I was worth helping and frightened of having that validated. To continue living the way I was, was just much easier than having to do all of this work we’re coving in this segment by myself, in the middle of a crisis. I had a “fear of loss” mindset.

Look back into your past. Analyze some of your experiences where the “I wish” definitely apply to those situations. You know them, they’re the: “only if I would’ve, could’ve, or should’ve” sayings you tell yourself after the fact. Those are gold in the wide world of prevention. They’re a roadmap of what direction not to take. Plan around those if that’s all you’re capable of doing, just have some sort of plan. You’re damn right and I’ll say it again: “If you don’t have a plan, you don’t have shit!”

Here’s my action plan while I’m in prison. Contact mental health and be honest with what I’m struggling with. That’s asking for help in prison. If they don’t deem me an immediate threat, I just might get an opportunity to talk it out with someone who has knowledge and experience with what I’m undergoing. If they do deem me a threat: “Hello turtle suit.” That’s better than destructive behaviors so I won’t complain. That’s not really the type of help I’ll connect with or make great therapeutic strides using, but it’s prevention.

I’ve never had the need to take this measure. I do get “checked on” once a month by the mental health staff because I’m a C-1 classification. That means I’ve been diagnosed with at least one of the three major mental illnesses. This monthly contact allows me the opportunity to speak on how I’m doing without needing to ask for crisis intervention.

That’s a good thing.

Before my release, I’ll have an appointment scheduled with a mental health counselor for the day of my release. In that appointment I’ll share where I was just prior to coming to prison and where I’m at now. I’ll tell them what my triggers are and ask about any 24-hour services they may have available. I’ll create a regular schedule to undergo counseling for the issues I know I’ll struggle with out there. Those issues will be the guilt I hold for my choices affecting my kids and my bipolar 1 cycles. I’m frightened of medication so I’ll need a counselor that’s comfortable supporting that approach.

I’ll find an inpatient behavioral health facility. I’ll admit myself if need be. Before that crisis, I’ll figure out all the admission details. I’ll make sure I qualify for or can afford the costs of being admitted. I’ll share my plan and make any arrangements involving the execution of said plan with my family. I’ve not had a plan before. That plan sucked. I’ll fine tune this one after my release and involve my counselor in the creative process as well. My family’s aware of my plans. They’re in agreement and support them.

There’s my action plan and I hope that helps you find some direction in getting started on yours.

Two final points I want to make about having an action plan. First one, do a run through or “mock trial” of your plan. Actually, stop into the prearranged facility and get all the details of how the admissions process will go. Ask them to walk you through it so it won’t be an “unknown” at the time of a crisis. Have them run your insurance information ahead of time to confirm you’ll qualify for coverage. Have back up payment options already agreed on with the facility. If you’re broke, stop into one anyway and tell them what you’re doing. Ask for a referral to a more cost effective or free facility.

Last point, if you’re still reading this you’ve kind of started planning on doing something different already. That’s great and the first thing that needs to happen. This took you time to read and there’s something you’ve read that has you thinking.

Seriously though, include the platform you’re reading this on as part of your action plan. If nothing or no one else is available, write out what you’re dealing with. It helps. I’m committing to be there for anyone that may need help. I’ll share my commitment in the next segment.

     Suicide is a process. There’s warning signs and symptoms. Take advantage of that process by having an action plan ahead of time. If your risk level is elevated due to mental health issues, drug abuse, adolescence, bullying victim, grief, relocation, divorce, toxic relationship, or environment, you should absolutely have a plan. There are so many different factors that can elevate risk. Know what they are.

The only two things we can do to combat suicide and violence towards others is Prevention & Intervention. Other than there’s life, destruction, or death. The result from ignoring those two options will absolutely end in one of those three outcomes. That’s a fact, end of story, flat out, and without a doubt, period!

Help is prevention and intervention. Add those actions to the advice you’ll give or get of: “Please ask for or get help.” Educate yourself about what’s out there and how to get “that help.” Do that now and stop advocating—doing nothing.

Prevention is a choice made by the sufferer ahead of the crisis. The action or prevention plan is created by them. No excuses, they’ve chosen what help they need and how they’ll get it ahead of time. Intervention is forced. It’s a choice made by someone other than the sufferer during a crisis to mitigate the potential damage.

It’s someone—hopefully you—making a choice to prevent bad shit from happening. You’ll deal with excuses and likely a fight in some form, but better than advocating the process of suicide. I’ve seen people get hurt by being forced to not hurt others, but I’ve never seen anyone get hurt by being forced to not hurt themselves. Maybe create an intervention plan ahead of time if your loved one is at risk.

PART VII – ESTABLISHING A CONNECTION

I’m ecstatic these issues are becoming more and more commonplace and open for discussion. It’s long overdue. I salute the people whose reputations equate to their marketability and livelihood for bringing awareness to this otherwise “taboo” topic, like celebrities. I’ve seen more of them speaking up and out to help “normalize” the public’s preconceptions concerning these very real issues.

In the past, people tended to judge others who struggled with normal everyday activities and spoke out about why they thought or felt the way they did about life or themselves. They’d view them as weak or crazy. All they saw were troubled individuals who were making excuses for not living up to the “normal” set of standards. Sure, this mindset hasn’t completely been overcome, but it’s not so much the norm today. This is a good thing for the ones that hope to actually find help when they take the advice to get it.

Emotional misfits who aren’t afraid to be themselves, or honest with you, can bring more comfort and peace in a single look, spoken, or written word than a lifetime of searching for it alone. You can see it in their eyes, hear it in their voices, and read it in their words.

The experiences you’ve suffered through, they have as well. There’s a sense of belonging, fellowship, and acceptance. Fearlessness towards opening up and honesty has helped usher in confidence for the ones who need to be heard.

They become empowered to ask for help. I’m not saying talking to professionals isn’t helpful, it is. I’m just saying you’re going to need some misfits to help you figure out how to apply what the doc says. If you want to blow your head off, swallow a bottle of pills, or hurt someone else, talking to someone who’s had similar thoughts can be helpful if they’re in a healthy mindset.

Clinical verbiage can be hard to relate to.

     Example: “It’s okay, just because you’re having suicidal thoughts doesn’t mean you need to act on them.” Very true statement. It’s helpful and a great start, but hard to connect with in the moment.

I’m committing to be there for anyone that may need help. I can’t “instantly” respond to any comments you post or thoughts & feelings that you share. I will respond as fast as institutionally possible. We’ll open up a dialogue together and empower one another to be bold. To be empowered means tapping into an outlet to draw energy from. That can be many different things. Someone. Some force or feeling within. A purpose. Courage, fearlessness, and confidence are all outlets to plug into to achieve emotional health. Being empowered ushers in a new mindset.

Sometimes the choices we make in life grind against the very existence of our soul. The energy created from that friction is guilt. Guilt is a demon that thrives being left alone. It drives negative thoughts and feelings. It’ll take you along on that lonely ride it loves so much if you let it. Don’t let any issues that you hold within yourself control who or what you are any longer. Let this be the moment you change the direction of your life.

Don’t just ask—scream for help. Be bold, be heard. You’ll never be present in the moments of life or make honest connections with those around you until you focus on yourself and get healthy. You’ll never truly like, enjoy, or know who you really are until you do the work within yourself.

Whatever demons you’re holding within have the ability to drive your suicidal thoughts and feelings right down reality road. That drive leads to destructive shit, crashes, ends in death, or prison. Pull off that road. Turn off the ignition. Yes you, you’re the one driving. Now get out of the car. It’s okay, you made it to the rest stop. Now rest and do the work!

Find a group, network of support, or connect on this platform. Just make sure you invite me, I’ll definitely join. Help me use this connection and make useful help an instant reality. Remember, I’m here. We can talk openly about how hard easy can be.

— Bad Boy Mike —

PART VIII – P.S. – I BELIEVE IN GOD

P.S.

I believe in God. There was a time I chose not to. That only proved how little faith I had. How easily I could give up because of my lack of hope and belief in possibilities. Who am I to dictate possibilities? Whether you believe in God or not, pray. Ask for help. I promise it won’t make your situation any worse. There just might be a possibility out there in the universe waiting to intersect with you.

Waiting on you to ask for it. So, ask for it!

I’m just saying, when it comes to help and need, we need all the help we can get. I felt it would be disrespectful to God if I claimed all I’ve learned as my own doings. Also, I felt I would be doing you a disservice by not sharing this option of “help.”

Take what you wish from this. I’m not a religious person or a bible thumper. There’s shit that’s out there that we can’t see or explain, but it’s there. Please try God. You’ve got nothing to lose.

— 2022 © Bad Boy Mike’s, LLC —